Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
