He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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