i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
