She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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