Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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