If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
