He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
