My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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