Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
