Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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