How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Oh god it's open bar.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
