He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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