I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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