My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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