Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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