My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
