I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
