I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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