Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
