Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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