I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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