he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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