Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
