foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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