the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
