you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
