Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
