Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
