I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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