your parents love me but you hate me
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
