I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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