what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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