Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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