Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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