I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
