dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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