I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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