hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
