turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
