I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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