i was born a porn star she said
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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