And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
