A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
