im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
