if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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