In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
