Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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