Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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