Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish my penis had an off switch
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
