I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
