My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
